your parents love me but you hate me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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