Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
