tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
