I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
