i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
