my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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