She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You've changed since you got that strap on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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