The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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