i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize