At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
