That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
