It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
bring money and cleavage
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
