Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
