Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
