If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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