When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
