great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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