Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
