GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
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Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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