Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
