I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
