Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
