Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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