you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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