New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I need a beard to bite.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
