i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
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you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.