So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
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True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.