Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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