At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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