the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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