btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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