You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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