drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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