dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
