if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
