I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
