you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
