Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think my fart just growled at me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Randomize
