sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
