I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
