we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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