He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
