i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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