how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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