That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
