I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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