Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
