you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
