I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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