that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
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last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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