is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
