The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
