Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
