my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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