she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
